On Movember & Men’s Mental Health
In the spirit of Movember and spotlighting men’s mental health, I’m thinking of a particular subset of clients I work with. These are ones who seek out counselling for the very reason that their own mental health is affected by someone in their family refusing to seek support for theirs. A lot of the time these family members are men, and my clients the women in their lives.
Denial can be pretty rough on families and relationships, especially when it involves someone we love struggling with their mental health. It can be helpful to step back and understand the underlying factors driving a family member’s resistance to seeking help, whether it’s our partner, dad or son. Cultural, generational, and gendered assumptions are often at play, resulting in beliefs like “it’s not okay to talk about feelings” or “only people who are mentally ill go into therapy”.
As emotional vulnerability is unfortunately still seen by some (perhaps men in particular) as a sign of weakness, there can be a lot of fear around what counselling really “is” and how it works. Ignorance begets fear, fear begets denial, and of course denial can’t beget change. But what can dissolve denial are knowledge and love. Here are some ways of thinking and communicating that could make a difference:
1. Seek solidarity in knowledge
Fortunately, popular discourse around mental health in recent years is offering up a new understanding of mental health: that mental health is health. While it’s not our job to convince the men in our lives to get help, we can let them know they’re not alone, and that plenty of research is out there confirming both the existence of mental health challenges and support services that address them.
Doing some research and sharing information about mental health resources can invite a family member to expand on their understanding of how normal and necessary it is to face mental health challenges. Share that YouTube video, article or book. Share that flyer on support groups and communities. With online counselling also being widely available nowadays, this can lower the threshold to trying out even one session.
2. Practice “unconditional positive regard”
That said, convincing someone to seek help when they’re resistant can inflict damage on any relationship. Ultimately, we can’t convince someone to seek support if they’re not ready, and it’s not our responsibility to do so.
Instead, speaking to a family member with what psychologist Carl Rogers calls “unconditional positive regard” – a mixture of empathy, curiosity, and understanding – demonstrates that despite what may be happening, we still care.
If a family member feels that receiving love from us is conditional on them being mentally well, then this could cause them to withdraw. But if they understand that they are accepted and loved unconditionally, this could make change feel less scary.
3. Try communicating assertively
Carers of those struggling with mental health often find it difficult to make space for their own feelings and needs. Communicating assertively, in a way that helps all involved feel respected and heard, can smooth out the edges of potentially tough conversations. It may sound clichéd, but “I feel” statements can go a long way.
For example, if we were to say to a family member, “you never listen. I’ve told you so many times you need help, and I just don’t know what to do anymore”, they’re very likely to do just that — shut down and continue not to listen. But, if we say something like “when you repeatedly refuse help, I feel sad and helpless”, they’re instead invited to imagine how we might be feeling, and see the situation (instead of themselves) as the problem.
Assertive communication is just one way of highlighting the emotional experiences of different family members without shifting blame onto just one person. This can open up more honest reflection and sharing, and lay down the path for those baby steps.
Above all, I hope we can offer ourselves some grace and kindness. Breaking patterns in family and relationship dynamics is no overnight task, and takes practice and collaboration over time. That we’re open to considering different ways of thinking and communicating is testament to our own courage and strength.
Image source: Hayden Davis