On Childhood Memories

Sometimes I get asked about the difference between counselling and life coaching. Both are relationships of support that help a person respond to change, but what might the key differences be?

Life coaching tends to be future-oriented, helping a person tap into resources and techniques that make specific goals more attainable. Those who find coaching helpful are often seeking changes in lifestyle or career, be it losing weight, quitting smoking or taking on a different role at work.

Counselling, on the other hand, is past-oriented, highlighting an understanding of formative experiences and how they shape our current reality. Examining the past in turn opens up new options for the present and future.

When I invite people to share their early memories, some may recount a story or two from when they were five or six years old. After, they might ask: “but that happened so long ago. How is it even relevant?” 

“Can’t repeat the past? Why, of course you can!”
From a counselling perspective, our experiences are cumulative, building on each other throughout the course of our lives. To help us make sense of change, our minds form patterns of responding that help us survive, seeking out familiar aspects of past experiences in present ones, even if they are not in fact the same experience.

Roles that we developed to survive childhood carry through to adulthood: if we are used to playing a mediator between fighting parents, we are likely to repeat this role in our adult relationships. If we had to shut down to protect ourselves from the anger of a parent, we are also likely to respond this way in a romantic relationship.

These patterns are not always obvious, and can cause problems if they repeat without us knowing their cause. One person I worked with noticed that their romantic relationships followed the same route of extreme infatuation, disappointment, boredom, and finally resentment before its breakdown.

Another person shared that they often found themselves in demanding jobs, pushing through and burning out before eventually quitting and feeling like a failure.

If unexamined, these patterns can continue indefinitely, driving a person further and further away from living a life that is true to their wants and values.

Where should we begin?
When a client describes a problem, I often ask questions like “what’s your history with feeling like this? Where might this come from?” Or: “what’s your earliest memory of responding in this way?” The work begins when the client starts to remember, and to recognise the cumulative impact of certain events in their lives, big or small.

The first person I mentioned shared that they were sent to boarding school abroad in their early teens, and romantic relationships became their main way of feeling loved in the absence of parental concern; never being alone meant never having to face a deep feeling of abandonment.

The second person discovered that their burnout cycle started as early as primary school, when their parents would reward them only for academic achievements; external validation was the only means of earning care.

Knowing where these patterns stem from helps us understand how we coped in the past, but also frees up space for responding differently in future.

Healing from the root
Childhood is what psychologist John Bowlby called a person’s “Internal Working Model” – a blueprint for life that is formed from the relationship we share with our primary caregivers while growing up.

If we were raised in a loving, stable environment where we felt safe, this forms the foundational belief that we are safe and worthy of love. Likewise, if we lived with caregivers who were absent or abusive, we are likely to expect abuse and neglect later on in life, too.

Poet Rupi Kaur wrote: “to heal you have to get to the root of the wound and kiss it all the way up”. Getting reacquainted with our childhood memories involves addressing our innermost needs and wounds, ones that were overlooked when we were too young to realise what they were.

The next time we feel overwhelmed, try to pinpoint where the feeling comes from: is this situation familiar? Does it remind us of anything or anyone? How might the present moment be linked to something that happened before?

While digging up the past can be scary, it’s certainly a process that can be borne with therapeutic support, and can reap substantial rewards. Once the wheels of reflection are in motion, our awareness can disrupt unhelpful patterns and generate new possibilities – ones that help us not just to survive, but to thrive.


Image Source: pikisuperstar