On “Adulting”

Being in your twenties these days is hard. I work with a lot of people who are fresh out of college and new to the so-called adult world. From these people’s stories there is sometimes an overwhelming sense of failure, if not a self-deprecating humour, around the idea of “adulting” – that in both a practical and existential sense they’re falling short of society’s expectations of being an adult.

And what are these expectations? Simply: climbing the career ladder of one’s dreams; financial stability; enjoying gratifying, lifelong relationships; doing laundry when it needs to be done and remembering to work out and eat healthily once in a while.

I’m struck by an image of adulthood as a linear path of well-lit obstacles. It suggests a miraculous transformation, some notion that after college, we cross over into adulthood from adolescence, moving to a space of knowing from one of not knowing.

Of course, social media is where the myth is heightened and contradicted at the same time: we’re supposed to be partying hard and constantly surrounded by cool people who see us and love us for who we are, but we’re also supposed to be toughing it out at a job we chronically feel like an imposter in.

It’s no wonder that the hallmarks of one’s twenties – figuring shit out, finding out who we are – are often couched in confusion and anxiety.

In therapy, I often invite people to share stories about adulting that they heard growing up. These are usually about how success can be guaranteed, be it through academic performance, having a broad social network, or always being there for our families. What these stories of success often impress on young minds is a sort of conditional mentality: if we don’t do this and that, then we can’t have this and that. What they don’t address is how they themselves might fail us.

It’s simply not true that success depends on hitting recognisable, socially-sanctioned milestones. Or that we have to know our life’s purpose by 25; be in a committed relationship by 30. It’s often the pressure to conform to standards of adulthood that drive disappointment and frustration.

Understanding that these standards aren’t sacrosanct can open up more enjoyment not just in our twenties, but later on in life, too.

Tools for staying grounded in your twenties (and beyond):

1. Welcome your own disillusionment
Making sense of mixed messages we receive throughout life is a universal challenge, as is accepting that adulthood can be messy and chaotic a lot of the time. The pain of realising that adulthood is not what we thought it was is a very real one, but this pain can give way to growth.

Gaining lived experience in our twenties means building an understanding of what’s true and not true for us; trying things out and being disappointed by them can be a powerful way of discovering what we really need and value going forward.

2. Be open to different stories
Connecting with people from all walks of life means connecting with their stories, and expanding our definition of what’s possible. Whether it’s an aunt or uncle in their fifties, someone who’s about to apply for college, or even a five-year-old child, we never know what a different perspective might add to our own story. Talking to them and hearing about a wider variety of experiences can help us see that everyone is in a state of becoming, no matter their age.

3. Live in the small things
Someone I work with, who is in their twenties, recently shared that they’re starting to realise something: that contrary to what they learned in high school, milestones don’t define a life. They’re also learning that maybe, just maybe, it’s the “small things” in life that do.

What might those small things be? I ask. They laugh, prefacing that this list may come across trivial: going to the supermarket and seeing that their favourite fruit, in season, is on sale. Boiling the perfect egg in the morning. Rediscovering a lost song on shuffle while riding the subway.

But are these things so trivial? To borrow from couples therapist Orna Guralnik, “we live in the small things”. Perhaps tuning into them can lighten the load of the “big things” – milestones, conventions, standards – and is what true adulting is really about.

I wonder: what are the small things in each of our lives, and what do they mean to us?


Image Source: Tara Jacoby