On Shame
“Oh, my god. I can’t believe I just said that. He probably hates me now.”
“Why am I so stupid? Why can’t I do anything right?”
“Wow, how do you not know something so basic?”
“What an idiot.”
Sound familiar? Whether on the giving or receiving end of these statements, we’ve all been there before. Shame can permeate our everyday interactions, be it in our own heads, at work, or at home. While it can often go unnoticed, it can still affect us deeply.
So how do some people end up regularly experiencing the above or similar thoughts, and get stuck in a seemingly endless loop of low self-worth?
It may not seem obvious, but shame lies at the root of many difficult emotional and social experiences, and can be built into the very way we see ourselves and the world. Like any emotional habit, feelings of shame often begin early on in life in our childhood and adolescence, often carrying through into our adult relationships if unchecked.
What is shame?
The dictionary definition of shame is “a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behaviour.” Shame is not quite the same as guilt though, where we feel bad about a specific choice or action we’ve made. It’s much more pervasive, and has us feeling like something we’ve done makes us essentially a bad person – that we deserve rejection from those around us.
Shame is universal, as we are social beings and require a community around us in order to survive. Our fear of rejection motivates us to change and adapt our behaviours, for both our own sakes and that of the groups that sustain us. But taken to the extreme, this fear can significantly limit our beliefs and choices, and shut us down.
Internalised shame: when falsehoods feel true
In some cultures, particularly ones that emphasise collectivism and hierarchy, shame is often normalised. These cultures tend to prioritise the wellbeing of groups over the individual, and of elders over their younger counterparts. In Asian families, the general assumption is that it’s wrong to challenge someone more “senior” than you, like a parent or grandparent, even if they say or do something hurtful.
As a result, we might internalise negative feedback that we hear about ourselves, believing that it’s true that we can’t do anything right, that we are less intelligent than our siblings, that we’ll never find a loving partner, etc – when these thoughts are often unfounded, and stem from the shame that has been passed on over generations.
Tools to overcome shame
Recognising what shame looks like can help us disarm it, and tune into our true self-worth. We are never born with shame; it is a feeling we cumulate from the outside.
1. “Shoulds” and “Shouldn’ts”
Shame operates on the judgement that we “should” or “should not” do things a certain way, and measures our value based on whether we abide by these rules. Identifying shaming voices and behaviours can help us step back and clarify where we stand, and prevent us from believing we are worse than we are.
Examples of shaming behaviour:
- Rolling eyes
- Scoffing impatiently
- Pointing or laughing at someone
Shaming voices:
- “You should know better than this.”
- “How could you get this wrong?”
- “You shouldn’t talk so much. No one wants to hear what you have to say.”
2. It’s not about you
If we hear or see any of the above, know that we don’t deserve to. The person shaming us has been shamed themselves, and their shaming us shows that they haven’t processed their own hurt. They aren’t the final judge or authority on our lives – we are, which means we are free to let go of whatever they project onto us.
3. Talk to yourself as you would a friend
Everyone, including adults, needs to hear words of encouragement and motivation, like “no worries, try harder next time”, or “you got this!” By addressing ourselves with kindness, understanding and compassion, we can have a more realistic view of ourselves, balancing room for growth and contentment with our positive qualities.
To conclude: let’s learn to recognise shame from love. Whilst shame sets out unrealistic conditions for earning love, real love is always nurturing and empathetic, allowing a person to exist freely. The antidote to shame is not to simply fulfil others’ expectations for what they think is right for us, but rather, to familiarise ourselves with our own values, needs and wants, and be our own biggest cheerleader. What makes us tick? What do we feel strongly about? Proud of ourselves for? Re-connecting with these things can be a way of staying centred, and keeping shame at bay.
Image Source: Faith Choice Ohio